On Anxiety and Embodied Faith

I walked into a Christian bookstore a couple Sundays ago for the first time in years. When I stepped through the door, I paused to listen to my body as she said, “This does not feel like a safe place anymore.” Validating her concern, I paused by the door to look at a Christmas display while I tuned in to listen, then told her we would be okay. My body immediately dialed back the physiological processes that had been activated when I entered the store.

I was there to pick up a book - When Religion Hurts You by Dr. Laura Anderson (you can read my review of it here). I had just finished reading the eBook through my library that morning and it had been so relevant to my own experience, well-written, and affirming that I knew I wanted my own copy for my personal library.

I perused the shelves before walking to the counter to ask for the copy they had set aside for me, interested to see what kinds of books were on display.

A book about anxiety by a bestselling author caught my eye and I picked it up to browse through the chapters, curious to see how this author had chosen to approach the topic. Trust God more. Pray more. Don’t worry; it doesn’t help anything. Be grateful. I put the book down, disheartened that it had been published in 2023.

What about when the church is the cause of the anxiety? I thought.

When what the church has taught me about how to “solve the problem” of anxiety has both created and compounded it?

When messages like this that teach me to ignore what my body is telling me – that her communicating this way is inherently wrong - make the anxiety worse and lead to actual lasting harm?

It comes across as flagrant gaslighting. It is gaslighting.

The interconnectedness of this full circle moment permeated my thoughts.

I had just finished reading a book about healing from spiritual abuse and religious trauma. I was in that store to buy a copy of it.

I had experienced anxiety when I walked through the door, but when I took a moment to check in with my body and listen to and reassure her, the anxiety immediately went away.

I had picked up a book about anxiety and was met with ideas about anxiety that I had heard most of my life but that had actively harmed me, that were part of the reason I had needed to read When Religion Hurts You in the first place, and that had never been effective for alleviating my anxiety.

I have never once experienced an instant withdrawal of my anxiety after praying about it (and I have a lot of experience with praying about it) or “trusting God more,” but as soon as my body knew I heard her and she could trust me to listen and keep us safe in that store, she no longer felt a need to keep telling me she was feeling anxious. She slowed my heart rate back down and turned off our fight or flight response.

I listened to my body, told her it was okay to feel that way and that we were okay, and the need for her to be anxious and grow increasingly loud about it to get my attention instantly went away.

In churches, I was taught that I couldn’t trust my body; that my body (including the adolescent version of her) was dangerous; that I needed to police every little thing about the way my body lived and looked and moved and existed in the world; that I should disconnect from my body – the very dwelling place of God - and not listen to what she was telling me; to just more fully believe what they were telling me; that the anxiety she was using to try to communicate to me that we weren’t entirely safe in those environments was a sin and I shouldn’t listen to her.  I should listen to them. I should listen to THEM. I SHOULD LISTEN TO THEM.

The more I listened to them, the more debilitating my anxiety became, and my body eventually turned to panic attacks and found other ways to shut down and force me to listen.

My body had known all along.

She had tried to tell me all along, growing louder every year.

And they had told me not to listen to her all along - that the alarm system Creator had given me was something to be dismissed, ignored, fought against, cut out, and prayed away instead of heeded, respected, explored with curiosity, or engaged through reflection and conversation.*

As if unplugging the fire alarm were the solution instead of looking for the smoke and taking care of it. (Side note: If you’ve ever tried to unplug a beeping fire alarm, you know it just keeps beeping anyway, which seems appropriate here.)

If they had taught me to listen and explore the reason the alarm had been activated instead, they would have had to do the same and then they would have had to change. They could no longer have controlled or manipulated me into conformation for their gain. Corrupt power always finds ways to divorce you from your own inner wisdom, your humanity, your power, and yourself for the benefit of the one(s) in the position of power.

Creator meant for that alarm system to be there, had put it there on purpose, and it wasn’t going to go away because I trusted God or prayed about it. I did trust God and I did pray about it. But it was my body’s natural response to an environment that was actively harming me. That alarm system was one God wanted me to have and gave to me for my protection. It was mine, just like my body is, and it belonged right where it was. It was doing exactly what it was supposed to do.

It has been a long journey to deconstruct toxic religion, walk away from high control religious environments, begin healing from spiritual abuse and religious trauma, intentionally re-examine everything I believe, learn to walk in my own core values, practice listening to my body again, and navigate reconstructing an embodied, authentic faith from margins and wilderness places. That journey is not over; it will always be ongoing.

But on that day, I did not betray my body. I listened to her. This is progress.

That my body calmed down when I told her we would be okay is progress.

That I no longer felt anxious about being in that store after I checked in with her is progress.

That my body is learning that she can trust me to take care of her, to make sure we are safe, and to listen when she speaks is progress.

And you know what? The fruit of that process was peace, not the usual multiplied turmoil, shame, and hypervigilance. Calm, quiet communion. Settledness. Compassion. Patience, kindness, gentleness, self-control. A regulated nervous system.

It was good fruit.

The fruit of the teachings and ideas I had internalized from religious “authorities” was not.

When embodiment is the grounding wire and the religious teaching produces chaos, it is the religion that needs fixing, not the alarm system.

*Anxiety is frequently an indicator that medical assessment and treatment or mental health care are necessary. This list of responses to anxiety is not all-inclusive.